Why Do People Get Defensive?
Have you ever found yourself getting defensive during a conversation or debate, even when you know you’re in the wrong? Defensiveness is a natural human response to feeling threatened – it’s like our internal guard dog being activated. However, while a little bit of defensiveness may be understandable, too much can cause harm to yourself and others.
Here’s a breakdown of what causes defensiveness and how we can cope with it.
Reasons for Defensive Behavior
Threats
Threats can come in various forms, such as feeling attacked or criticized. For instance, if someone points out your mistakes or tells you to change your behavior, you may feel threatened and become defensive.
Critical Behavior
If someone is critical of you, your work, or your beliefs, it can make you feel like you need to protect yourself. You might start feeling like you need to prove your worth and defend your actions, even if they don’t make sense.
Guarding Beliefs
If you have a dogmatic stance on certain topics and are afraid of change or new ideas, you may become defensive when someone challenges your beliefs. You may become so entrenched in your position that you become hostile to any dissenting opinions.
Inferiority Complex
If someone else is more skilled in a particular area than you, it’s easy to feel inferior or inadequate. As a result, you might find yourself being defensive, so as to try and one-up them or prove that you’re not as bad as you think.
Manipulation
For some, defensiveness is an intentional tactic used to manipulate others. A manipulator might defend their behavior or actions as a means of sidestepping responsibility or planting seeds of doubt in someone else’s mind.
Impulsiveness
Sometimes, being defensive is not rational. It may be a reaction based on emotions rather than reason. For example, if you’ve had a bad day and someone makes a request of you, you might get defensive for no logical reason.
Dealing with Defensive Behavior
Changing Perspectives
To reduce defensiveness, it helps to change your perspective. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see their concerns and criticisms as constructive feedback rather than attacks.
Self-Awareness
It’s important to be aware of your own feelings and emotions. If you feel yourself becoming defensive, take a step back and ask yourself why. Often defensiveness comes from insecurity or a fear of being wrong, so be honest with yourself about your motivations.
Apologize
If you’re in the wrong, it’s always best to apologize. Sometimes it may seem like apologizing is a sign of weakness or submission, but in reality, it shows strength and humility.
Deep Breaths
When you feel yourself getting defensive, taking deep breaths can help. Deep breathing can help calm your nervous system and reduce the fight-or-flight response.
Give Space
If someone is being defensive, it’s best to give them space. Trying to push the issue or demand an explanation can make the situation worse. Give the person time to cool down and reassess the situation. Avoid saying “don’t be defensive.”
It may seem counterintuitive, but telling someone to “not be defensive” often just fuels defensiveness. This approach can come across as dismissive or invalidating.
Speak Up
Sometimes, people may not realize they’re being defensive, so it can help to bring it to their attention. Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements can be an effective way of addressing defensiveness. For example, “I feel like we’re not getting anywhere because we keep getting defensive” rather than “You’re being too defensive.”
Defensive Behavior Caused by Feeling Threatened
Identifying Triggers
Being able to recognize what triggers your defensiveness is the first step to dealing with it. Once you know what sets you off, you can prepare yourself for when those situations arise.
Attitude Towards Suggestions/Criticism
If you’re defensive, you may feel like any criticism is a personal attack. But it’s essential to try and recognize that most feedback is not meant to hurt you. Accepting criticism can be a healthy way to grow and learn.
Coping with Someone Who Feels Threatened
Changing Behavior to Avoid Triggering
If you know what sets someone off, try and avoid those triggers. However, be wary of going too far and enabling their defensiveness.
Apologizing for Mistakes
Sometimes the best way to avoid someone becoming defensive is to take responsibility for your own mistakes. If you admit your faults, it may make someone else feel more comfortable doing the same.
Defensive Behavior Caused by Guarding Information
Have you ever noticed someone in a conversation quickly changing the topic or avoiding certain questions? This could be a sign of guarding behavior, a type of defensiveness in which someone is secretive about certain topics or information.
Signs of Guarding Behavior
- Changing the topic
- Avoiding certain questions
Coping with Someone Who is Guarding Information
- Respecting privacy
- Avoiding sensitive topics
- Building trust
Defensive Behavior Caused by Dogmatism
Dogmatism is another form of defensiveness in which a person overly asserts their opinions as facts and is unwilling to consider alternative perspectives. When someone is dogmatic, they make it difficult to engage in constructive discussions or debates.
Signs of Dogmatism
- Expressing opinions as facts
- Unwillingness to consider other perspectives
Coping with Someone Who is Dogmatic
- Encouraging open-mindedness
- Finding common ground
- Being assertive
Defensive Behavior Caused by Inferiority
Sometimes defensiveness can be linked to feelings of inferiority. When people feel insecure about themselves, they may behave defensively to protect their perceived shortcomings.
Signs of Inferiority
- Becoming defensive when interacting
- Gossiping
Coping with Someone Who Feels Inferior
- Building up self-esteem
- Avoiding comparisons
- Expressing empathy
Defensive Behavior Caused by Manipulation
Manipulative behavior can also lead to defensiveness. When someone tries to manipulate others, they may act defensively as a means of deflecting attention from their actions or protecting themselves against potential consequences.
Signs of Manipulative Behavior
- Distrustful/guarded behavior
- Denying responsibility
Coping with Someone Who is Manipulative
- Setting boundaries
- Staying vigilant
- Seeking outside help if necessary
Defensive Behavior Caused by Impulsiveness
Impulsiveness is another factor that can lead to defensiveness. When people act impulsively, they may not always think through the consequences beforehand, leading to defensive reactions when confronted with the results.
Signs of Impulsive Behavior
- Lack of self-awareness
- Unwillingness to admit mistakes
- Rationalizing actions
Coping with Someone Who is Impulsive
- Encouraging reflection
- Identifying patterns
- Being patient
Conclusion
Defensiveness is a natural human response that can come from various sources like threat, critical behavior, manipulation, dogmatism, inferiority, and impulsiveness. It’s crucial to recognize when defensiveness becomes excessive or harmful.
By changing perspectives, building self-esteem, avoiding comparisons, setting boundaries, staying vigilant, and being patient, we can reduce the impact of defensive behavior. Understanding the signs of defensiveness and how to cope with them are vital to maintain productive and healthy relationships.
In a world where communication is key, recognizing and addressing defensiveness can lead to more meaningful and constructive conversations.