Understanding Limerence: When Infatuation Takes Over
Have you ever felt like you were head-over-heels in love with someone, but couldn’t quite explain why? Maybe you found yourself obsessing over every detail of their life, daydreaming about the two of you together, and feeling an intense rush of happiness and euphoria whenever you were around them.
If this sounds familiar, you may have experienced what psychologists call limerence. What is Limerence?
Limerence was first coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, and refers to an intense infatuation or obsession with another person. Unlike love, which is typically characterized by a deep emotional connection and attachment, limerence tends to be more one-sided, untethered from reality, and can sometimes border on obsession.
Symptoms of Limerence
So what does it feel like to be in a state of limerence? Some common symptoms include obsessive thoughts about the object of your affection, wild fantasies about the future, all-consuming hopes of a romantic relationship, and sometimes even borderline stalking behaviors.
While these symptoms can be intense and overwhelming, they typically fade over time once the limerence has run its course.
The Three Stages of Limerence
According to Tennov, limerence tends to progress through three distinct stages:
1. Infatuation Stage
The infatuation stage is characterized by what many of us might recognize as a “crush.” During this stage, the brain releases a flood of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This can induce feelings of euphoria, excitement, and happiness when we think about or interact with the person we’re attracted to.
2. Crystallization Stage
The crystallization stage is where things can start to get a little dicey. During this phase, the infatuation has grown into an obsession, and our thoughts and behaviors can become self-destructive.
We may start idealizing the object of our affection, seeing them as flawless or beyond reproach. This can lead to destructive comparisons with others, and can sometimes even lead to us overlooking serious red flags in the relationship.
3. Deterioration Stage
Finally, the limerence may reach the deterioration stage, where we start to feel disappointment, frustration, sorrow, and discontent. This can be especially difficult if we’ve invested a lot of time or emotional energy into the relationship, and we may feel reluctant to let go of the fantasy we’ve created in our heads.
However, it’s important to note that the deterioration of limerence doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship – it could simply mean a transition into a deeper, more stable form of love.
Limerence vs Love: The Key Differences
So how does limerence differ from love?
While limerence may involve intense feelings of attraction and excitement, love tends to be more grounded in reality, and is characterized by a deeper emotional connection and attachment. While limerence may often be one-sided and focused solely on the object of our affection, love tends to be a more balanced exchange, with both partners supporting, nurturing, and caring for each other.
Final Thoughts
Whether you’re currently experiencing limerence or have in the past, it’s important to remember that these feelings are a normal part of the human experience. While they can be intense and sometimes overwhelming, they are typically temporary and will eventually give way to a more stable form of love.
By understanding the different stages of limerence and how they differ from love, we can cultivate healthier, more realistic relationships and avoid the potential pitfalls of obsession and idealization.
Limerence is Toxic Love in Nature: 7 Signs That Say So
Most of us have experienced infatuation or attraction towards someone, often leading to strong, romantic feelings.
However, when we become obsessed with someone, it may indicate a deeper underlying issue – limerence. Limerence is an intense infatuation, often bordering on fetishism, that can cause one to neglect their own well-being while becoming fixated on their object of desire.
Here are seven signs that indicate limerence is toxic love in nature.
1. Deprioritizing oneself
A hallmark of limerence is that one’s priorities shift, often to the point of neglecting their own well-being. The infatuated person becomes fixated on their obsession, often to the point of obsession.
As a result, their own needs, goals, and desires can be deprioritized, which can lead to negative consequences and a lack of fulfillment.
2. Emotional baggage
Past experiences and childhood trauma can cause emotional baggage that leads to limerence. The subconscious feelings and unresolved emotional issues may cause problems in relationships or contribute to falling in love with someone who is unattainable or inappropriate.
It’s important to address emotional issues or seek therapy to resolve past traumas, thereby reducing the chances of limerence developing.
3. Disconnected from the world
Limerence can lead to a disconnection from the world and self-absorption. Emotionally unavailable, controlled by obsession, and unable to meet other people’s needs or connect with reality, individuals in limerence often withdraw to focus on their obsession.
Self-sabotage is a common symptom of limerence that often leads to negative consequences.
4. Loss of control
Individuals in limerence lack control over their emotions, thoughts, and actions. Fear of rejection, lack of self-esteem, dependence, and balance of power may drive them to take actions that are uncharacteristic of them.
For instance, they may continue to pursue someone despite their disinterest, which may be perceived as stalking.
5. Mind-games
Mind games are common in limerence and can take the form of manipulation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, irrationality, and stalking. The individual in limerence may try to manipulate the situation, angle themselves as a victim or pressure their object of affection into a relationship or commitment.
Unfortunately, these activities are often counterintuitive and can lead to alienation.
6. Myopia in Your-opia
Idealizing the object of affection is another sign of limerence, where the person may ignore their lack of compatibility, past experiences, or other red flags in the relationship. This is often because they are plagued by self-doubt and have a lack of self-respect, which compromises their boundaries.
This may allow the relationship to continue despite obvious signs that they should end it.
7. Awful aftermath
Limerence can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, regret, and woe after the fact. This often stems from the realization that their idealized relationship is not what they thought it was or that their actions have negatively affected themselves or the other person.
Healing is a long process that requires time, patience, and self-care.
Seeking Help for Limerence
While limerence may seem like a hopeless situation, it is treatable. Seeking help from a professional, such as a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist, is a great place to start.
These professionals can help individuals to overcome their limerence by addressing the underlying emotional issues. Accepting and acknowledging the problem and its roots is also critical to self-awareness, improving one’s emotional intelligence, and developing the willingness to change.
With comprehensive emotional support, it is possible to recover from limerence and begin a new chapter.
In conclusion, limerence is a complex and sometimes toxic emotional state that can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships.
Understanding the symptoms and stages of limerence, as well as the key differences between limerence and love, can help us to cultivate healthier, more balanced relationships and avoid the potential pitfalls of obsession and idealization. Seeking professional help and developing greater self-awareness can also support us in overcoming the emotional baggage that often underlies limerence.
Ultimately, by taking a proactive and compassionate approach to our emotional lives, we can create relationships that are grounded in mutual respect, understanding, and love.
