The Negative Effects of Protecting Yourself in a Relationship
You want to protect yourself in a relationship – it’s natural. After all, you’ve been hurt before and you don’t want to open yourself up to that kind of pain again.
But what if protecting yourself is actually hurting the relationship? Here are some of the negative effects of protecting yourself in a relationship.
Defensive Behavior
It’s easy to become defensive when you feel like you’re being attacked, but defensive behavior can be harmful to a relationship. When you’re on the defensive, you’re not able to listen to your partner’s point of view.
You’re too busy protecting yourself to really understand what they’re saying. This can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, which can cause real damage to your relationship.
Passive-Aggressiveness
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be hard to be direct about your feelings. Instead of expressing yourself in a healthy way, you might resort to passive-aggressive behavior.
This can manifest in things like giving your partner the silent treatment or making snide comments. The problem with passive-aggressiveness is that it doesn’t solve anything.
In fact, it can be just as damaging as aggressive behavior.
Enduring Unpleasant Things
When you’re protecting yourself in a relationship, you might find yourself enduring things that you don’t want to.
Maybe your partner is doing something that’s really bothering you, but you don’t want to say anything because you don’t want to rock the boat. The problem with this approach is that it can lead to resentment and anger.
Eventually, you will likely explode about everything you’ve been enduring, and that can be harmful to your relationship.
Lack of Expression of Hurt Feelings
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be hard to express your hurt feelings.
Maybe your partner said something that hurt you, but you’re afraid to bring it up because you don’t want to seem weak. The problem with this approach is that your hurt feelings can become a silent trigger that harms your relationship.
Your partner won’t know that they’re hurting you, and you’ll continue to feel hurt.
Destructive Relationship Behaviors
Protecting yourself in a relationship can lead to destructive behaviors. Here are some of the ways that protecting yourself can harm your relationship.
Attacking the Person’s Character
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be easy to attack your partner’s character. Maybe you don’t like the way they do something, and you start criticizing them for it.
The problem with this approach is that it can be very hurtful. Your partner might start to feel like you don’t like them as a person, which can be very damaging to the relationship.
Avoidance of Issues
Protecting yourself can also lead to avoidance of issues. Maybe there’s an issue that needs to be addressed, but you’re afraid to bring it up because you don’t want to start a fight.
The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t solve anything. The issue will still be there, and it will likely escalate until it becomes a much bigger problem.
Fault Finding
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be easy to place blame on your partner for things that aren’t entirely their fault. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t allow for self-reflection.
Maybe you could be doing something differently, too. Placing all the blame on your partner can be very damaging to the relationship.
Hiding Vulnerability
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be hard to be vulnerable with your partner. This can lead to you appearing cold and distant, which can be very hurtful to your partner.
They might feel like you don’t trust them enough to open up to them.
Avoiding Conflict
Protecting yourself can also lead to avoiding conflict.
Maybe you don’t want to argue with your partner, so you keep your opinion to yourself. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t allow for healthy conflict resolution.
Sometimes, conflict is necessary in order to move forward in a relationship.
Hurting Each Other
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be easy to retaliate when your partner does something that upsets you.
But hurting each other doesn’t solve anything. It only causes more hurt and damage to the relationship.
Jealousy, Mistrust, and Insecurity
Protecting yourself can also lead to jealousy, mistrust, and insecurity. Maybe you don’t trust your partner because you’ve been hurt before.
Or maybe you’re feeling insecure because you don’t feel like your partner really cares about you. These feelings can be toxic to a relationship if they’re not addressed.
Making Partner Accountable for Feelings
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be easy to make your partner accountable for your feelings. Maybe you’re feeling abandoned, so you expect your partner to constantly reassure you.
The problem with this approach is that it can be very demanding and tiring for your partner.
Needing Constant Reassurance and Attention
Protecting yourself can also lead to clinginess and a need for constant reassurance and attention.
This can be overwhelming for your partner, and it can push them away.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves denying someone’s reality.
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be easy to deny your partner’s reality in order to protect yourself. This can be very damaging to the relationship.
Sweeping Problems Under the Carpet
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be tempting to dismiss problems as unimportant. But dismissing problems doesn’t make them go away.
It only allows them to fester and grow into bigger problems.
Punishing Each Other
When you’re protecting yourself, it can be easy to harbor anger and resentment towards your partner.
This can lead to punishing behaviors, such as withholding affection or giving your partner the silent treatment. These behaviors don’t solve anything.
In fact, they can be very damaging to the relationship.
Giving Up Yourself in Relationships
Finally, protecting yourself can lead to sacrificing yourself in a relationship.
Maybe you’re always putting your partner’s needs before your own, and that’s causing an imbalance in the relationship. It’s important to remember that a healthy relationship involves both partners meeting each other’s needs.
In Conclusion
Protecting yourself in a relationship is natural, but it can also be harmful to the relationship. It’s important to find a balance between protecting yourself and being open to your partner.
By being vulnerable and honest with your partner, you can build a strong and healthy relationship. Remember, it’s okay to have needs and boundaries.
It’s important to communicate those needs and boundaries in a healthy and constructive way.
How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship
Have you ever felt like you’re sabotaging your relationship? Maybe you have a pattern of pushing people away, or maybe you find yourself constantly picking fights with your partner.
Whatever the case may be, it’s important to recognize these patterns and take steps to stop sabotaging your relationship. Here are some strategies to help you do that.
Noticing and Resolving Issues
One of the first steps to stop sabotaging your relationship is to notice and resolve any issues that might be present. Maybe you or your partner has done something that has hurt the other person.
Rather than trying to brush it under the rug, acknowledge the hurt and work together to repair the wound. If you don’t address issues, they can turn into resentment and create even bigger problems down the line.
Avoiding Avoidance
Another important step is to avoid avoiding issues. It’s easy to keep putting off difficult conversations because you’re afraid of how your partner might react.
However, avoiding those conversations can create even bigger problems. Confronting issues head-on can help prevent small problems from turning into bigger ones.
Protecting Ourselves from Feelings
Sometimes we protect ourselves from feelings by avoiding vulnerability. But avoiding vulnerability can also create more hurt.
When we protect ourselves from feeling, we also protect ourselves from experiencing love and connection. It can be scary to open up and be vulnerable, but it’s worth it to experience genuine emotional connection with our partners.
Acknowledging Feelings
It’s also important to acknowledge and understand our own feelings. If we don’t understand our own feelings, it’s hard to communicate them effectively to our partners.
Take time to reflect on your feelings and try to understand where they’re coming from. This can help you express yourself more clearly to your partner, leading to stronger communication and a deeper emotional connection.
Seeking Professional Help
Finally, don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you need it. Sometimes relationship issues can be particularly difficult to navigate, and it can be helpful to have a neutral third party to guide you.
Counseling can be a great way to address relationship issues in a safe and supportive environment.
In Conclusion
Stopping yourself from sabotaging your relationship requires self-reflection, communication, and the willingness to confront difficult issues. By recognizing patterns of behavior that might be harmful to your relationship and taking steps to address them, you can cultivate a healthy and fulfilling partnership.
Remember, relationships take work, but with effort and dedication, they can be incredibly rewarding.
In conclusion, we have explored the negative effects of protecting oneself in a relationship and how defensive behavior, passive-aggressiveness, enduring unpleasant things, and lack of expression of hurt feelings can damage relationships.
We have also discussed destructive relationship behaviors such as attacking one’s character, avoiding conflict, hiding vulnerability, gaslighting, and punishing each other, and how these can be damaging. On the other hand, we explored strategies such as noticing and resolving issues, avoiding avoidance, acknowledging and expressing feelings, and seeking professional help that can help stop sabotaging relationships.
Building a healthy and fulfilling partnership requires self-reflection, communication, and the willingness to confront difficult issues. Relationships take work, but with effort and dedication, they can be incredibly rewarding.
The key is to find a balance between protecting oneself and being open to one’s partner while communicating needs and boundaries in a healthy and constructive way. By recognizing and addressing patterns of behavior that might be harmful to the relationship, you can cultivate a strong and healthy partnership.
