Breaking the Cycle: Overcoming Anxious Attachment for a Healthier Relationship


Breaking the Cycle of Anxious Attachment

Have you ever found yourself constantly seeking comfort and reassurance from your partner? Do past experiences still haunt you and affect your present relationships?

If yes, you might have an anxious attachment style. Anxious attachment can stem from deep-rooted fears that have been with you for a long time.

In this article, we’ll explore the triggers and myths of anxious attachment and give you tips on how to break the cycle of anxious attachment.

Source of Anxiety (Past and Present)

1. Past Experiences

Your past experiences can greatly influence your attachment style. Perhaps you had a caregiver who was inconsistent, emotionally unavailable or abandoned you.

As a result, you may have developed deep-rooted fears that still haunt you in your adult relationships.

2. Present Experiences

Anxiety can also come from the present.

Are there people in your life who constantly trigger your anxiety? It could be anyone from a co-worker to a friend or a family member.

Being around people that constantly make you anxious can be contagious. You might even start projecting your anxieties onto your partner in your relationship.

Triggers of Anxious Attachment

1. People in Your Life

Triggers of Anxious Attachment (People in Your Life, Partner)

Your relationship with your partner can also trigger your anxious attachment style. Do they take too long to reply to your texts or call you back?

Do they constantly cancel plans or spend time with other people? These actions can trigger your anxiety, leading to a cycle of reassurance seeking.

2. Your Partner

It’s important to acknowledge your partners contribution to your triggers, but it’s equally important to understand that they have limitations. Relying solely on your partner for reassurance can be counterproductive.

Expecting them to always be there for you is unrealistic and unfair. At some point, your partner may not be able to alleviate your anxiety, and that could lead to resentment and ultimately, the relationship falling apart.

Myth of Relying on Partner for Reassurance

The truth is that relying on your partner for reassurance is not sustainable, nor is it healthy. What if your partner is also dealing with their own issues and cannot provide the amount of reassurance that you need?

What if they’re feeling overwhelmed and cannot handle it? In times of stress or anxiety, it’s important to learn how to self-reassure.

Self-reassurance can mean different things to different people. It could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths, practicing mindfulness, or reminding yourself of your self-worth.

It’s about becoming your own source of stability and security in the relationship.

Breaking the Cycle of Anxious Attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle of seeking reassurance. However, breaking this cycle is possible.

1. Acknowledge Your Need for Reassurance

The first step is acknowledging your need for reassurance and changing your attitude towards your partner. Recognize that having anxiety is not a personal flaw, but rather, a result of your past experiences.

2. Communicate Your Needs

Try to communicate your needs to your partner in a non-confrontational manner and also try to understand their attachment style and how they truly feel about the relationship.

3. Trust Your Gut

If your partner is avoidant or emotionally unavailable, you may have to trust your gut and reconsider the relationship.

This may be difficult, but it’s important to understand that you are entitled to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. If the relationship is not providing that, it might be time to let it go.

4. Become Your Own Source of Stability

Lastly, becoming your own source of stability and security in the relationship is crucial. Practice self-soothing techniques, such as journaling, meditation, or exercise.

Focus on what you can control and learn to give yourself the reassurance that you need and deserve.


Breaking the cycle of anxious attachment is not easy, but it’s possible. By understanding the triggers and myths of anxious attachment, you can take proactive steps towards creating a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Remember, becoming your own source of stability and security is key to breaking the cycle of reassurance seeking. You deserve a healthy and loving relationship, so take the necessary steps to build one.

Strategies for Self-Soothing Anxious Attachment

When faced with anxiety, it’s natural to seek reassurance from your partner. However, constantly seeking reassurance can put a strain on your relationship.

Sometimes, all you need is a little self-soothing. Here are some strategies to help you self-soothe in moments of anxiety and avoid seeking reassurance from your partner.

1. Writing Down Things You Don’t Like About Your Partner

Writing down things you don’t like about your partner might sound counterintuitive, but it can be a helpful exercise. Often, we tend to suppress or ignore negative feelings about our partner because we don’t want to hurt their feelings or start an argument.

However, by validating your critical self, you can boost your confidence and feel more in control. Start by writing down specific behaviors or actions that bother you about your partner.

You don’t have to share this list with anyone, and it’s important to be respectful and objective. This exercise can help you sort through your feelings and gain clarity on what’s causing your anxiety.

2. Over-Texting Yourself

Over-texting yourself might not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think of self-soothing, but it can be an effective emotional outlet. Sometimes, we need a space to vent or process our feelings without involving our partner or causing unnecessary drama.

Create a separate texting thread or note on your phone where you can write out your feelings as if you were texting your partner. This can help you process your emotions and release any pent-up anxiety.

3. Organizing or Cleaning While Listening to Music

Physical outlets can be great for processing feelings and relaxing. Organizing or cleaning while listening to music can be a calming activity that helps release anxiety.

The physical movement of cleaning or organizing can be soothing, and the music can provide a distraction from your anxious thoughts.

4. Indulging in a Guilty Pleasure

Indulging in guilty pleasures can be a helpful emotional security blanket. When we’re anxious, we might feel like we’re losing control, and indulging in something we enjoy can help us regain that control.

This can be anything from watching your favorite TV show, indulging in comfort food, or having a bubble bath. Whatever your guilty pleasure may be, give yourself permission to indulge in it when you’re feeling anxious.

5. Doing Something with Friends That Your Partner Refuses to Do

Feeling empowered and motivated can be a helpful distraction when dealing with anxiety. Do something with friends that your partner refuses to do.

It can be anything from trying a new hobby, taking a dance class, or going to a concert. This can help you feel more confident and independent, which can positively impact your relationship.

However, it’s important to be respectful of your partner’s feelings and not use this as a tactic to make them jealous or seek attention.

Healing Anxious Attachment

Breaking the cycle of anxious attachment can be difficult but healing is possible. It’s important to understand that healing anxious attachment is a self-propelling cycle.

The more you practice self-soothing and focus on yourself, the more confident and in control you will feel.

1. Importance of Self-Propelling Cycle

Developing a self-propelling cycle can be a major confidence boost in healing anxious attachment. This cycle involves taking actions that are self-soothing initially, and eventually lead to gaining confidence and feeling in control.

For example, practicing mindfulness and self-reassurance can lead to feeling more confident. As you become more confident, you may start to tackle bigger issues or confrontations, which can lead to gaining more control.

2. Need to Jump-Start the Process

Jump-starting the process is essential to healing anxious attachment. It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of seeking reassurance from your partner or feeling stuck in your anxiety.

Taking action is necessary to get the process started. Begin by identifying the trigger of your anxiety and finding a self-soothing activity that works for you.

It’s important to be persistent and consistent with this activity, even if it doesn’t immediately alleviate your anxiety. It’s through repetition and the self-propelling cycle that you will gain confidence and feel more in control.

3. Coaching Assistance for Anxious Attachment

Seeking coaching assistance can be a helpful way to gain direction and support in healing anxious attachment. Coaching calls with a trained professional can help you identify your triggers, practice effective communication, and regain control.

Coaching can also help you approach your partner in a constructive and respectful manner, which can positively impact your relationship. Remember, healing anxious attachment takes time and effort, but it’s worth it for a healthier and happier relationship.


Anxious attachment can be a challenging pattern to break, but it is possible. It requires self-empowerment, healing, and effective anxiety management.

By using self-soothing techniques, taking action, and seeking coaching assistance, you can start to heal and move towards a healthier, happier relationship.


Self-empowerment is essential in overcoming anxious attachment. It involves taking control of your own emotions and feelings, rather than relying solely on your partner.

Self-soothing techniques, such as mindfulness, deep breathing, or practicing gratitude, can help you feel more in control of your emotions. Additionally, practicing effective communication can also be empowering.

Instead of bottling up your feelings or seeking reassurance from your partner, try to communicate your needs in a calm and respectful manner. This can be helpful in building trust and strengthening your relationship.


Healing anxious attachment requires facing your past experiences, acknowledging your triggers, and working through your feelings. This may involve working with a therapist or coach, engaging in self-reflection, and using self-soothing techniques.

It’s important to remember that healing takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself and don’t give up if progress is slow.

By focusing on your own healing, you can create a stronger sense of self and build healthier relationships in the future.

Anxiety Management

Managing anxiety is an ongoing process that requires self-awareness and self-care. It’s important to identify your triggers and develop self-soothing techniques that work for you.

These techniques can include physical activities, engaging in hobbies or interests, or connecting with supportive friends or family. In addition to self-soothing techniques, it’s also important to practice healthy coping mechanisms.

This can include journaling, practicing mindfulness, or seeking professional help. Coping with anxiety requires a holistic approach, incorporating self-care, effective communication, and healthy relationships.

Final Thoughts

Anxious attachment can be a challenging pattern to break, but it is possible with self-empowerment, healing, and anxiety management techniques. By using self-soothing techniques, seeking coaching assistance, and practicing healthy coping mechanisms, you can start to heal and move towards a healthier, happier relationship.

Remember to be patient and kind to yourself, and don’t give up if progress is slow. The journey towards healing may be difficult, but it is worth it for a healthier and happier future.

Keep pushing forward, and don’t hesitate to seek professional help if needed. You got this!

In conclusion, breaking the cycle of anxious attachment requires self-awareness, self-empowerment, and self-care.

By understanding the source of anxiety, identifying personal triggers, and using self-soothing techniques, you can take control of your emotions and build healthier relationships. Seeking coaching assistance, practicing effective communication, and engaging in healthy coping mechanisms can also be helpful in managing anxiety and healing from past experiences.

Remember, healing is a process that takes time and patience, but your efforts towards self-improvement and healthier relationships are worth it in the end.

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