Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage: Setting the Record Straight
As the famous Canadian songwriter Joni Mitchell once wrote, “Love is touching souls.” Yet, despite the great joys of sharing your life with another person, many marriages are plagued by unrealistic expectations that put a strain on the relationship. In this article, we’ll dive into the common myths about marriage and offer ways to foster a mutually satisfying partnership.
The “Soul Mate Delusion”
Have you ever had the feeling that there’s just one person out there who is your perfect match? This is the “soul mate delusion,” and it’s one of the most harmful myths about relationships.
According to psychologist Dr. Linda Carroll, this idea of having a soul mate is not only unrealistic but also paradoxical: “If you’re with your soul mate, you don’t need to work on the relationship. And if you’re not with your soul mate, why bother trying?”
The truth is, strong relationships are built on continuous reinvestment, not on finding a person who fulfills your every need.
Instead of putting pressure on your partner to be everything to you, focus on what you can bring to the table. In this way, you become an active participant in your own happiness, rather than a passive observer waiting for someone else to make you happy.
Signs of Marital Psychosis
Another common trap that couples fall into is the “mind reading delusion.” This is the belief that if your partner really loved you, they would know what you want without you having to express it. The reality is that no one can read your mind, and it’s unfair to expect your partner to be a mind reader.
The “changing the other person” fantasy is also a common manifestation of marital psychosis. This involves the belief that if your partner would just change this one thing, everything would be perfect.
However, trying to change someone else is a recipe for disappointment, because ultimately, people are who they are. Instead of trying to change your partner, focus on accepting them for who they are and finding ways to work together to create a mutually satisfying relationship.
Real Marriage for Real People
Real marriages are made up of real people, with all their strengths and weaknesses. Instead of chasing after an idealized version of a soul mate, embrace the imperfections of your partner and work together to build a life that is fulfilling for both of you.
One way to do this is to engage in a marriage preparation and enrichment program, like the one offered by Phil Guerin at the Center for Family Life. These programs use a family as a developmental system approach that looks at the many factors that influence the marital relationship, including parenting and extended family dynamics.
Another key aspect of building a strong relationship is developing a solid self in the context of the relationship. This means working on unresolved emotional attachments and developing a strong sense of self-differentiation, so that you can communicate your needs and boundaries clearly to your partner.
Finally, making time for self-care and practicing gratitude, appreciation, and respectful communication can go a long way towards fostering a happy marriage. Remember, you and your partner are on the same team, working toward a common goal of a mutually satisfying marriage.
Conclusion
While the idea of a soul mate may be romantic, it’s also unrealistic and can put undue pressure on your partner and your relationship. By focusing on building a real, mutually satisfying partnership, developing a solid self, and practicing self-care and respectful communication, you can help build a foundation for a strong and happy marriage.
The Importance of Honorable Human Relationships: Understanding Love
Love is one of the most complex and misunderstood concepts in human experience.
We often think of love as a feeling, a rush of emotion that we experience when we are attracted to someone. However, love is much more than that.
Love is a way of relating to others that requires us to refine our truths, strip away self-delusion, and open ourselves up to the complexities of human experience. One of the biggest obstacles to love is the human tendency towards isolation.
We build walls around ourselves, whether they be physical, emotional, or psychological, to protect ourselves from the outside world. However, these walls also keep us from experiencing the joy and connection that comes with truly meaningful human relationships.
To truly love, we must be willing to break down these barriers and expose our vulnerabilities to others.
Doing Justice to Our Own Complexity
This is not an easy task. It requires us to confront the hard reality of our own complexity.
We are not one-dimensional beings, but rather complex individuals with a multitude of wants, needs, and desires. Honorable human relationships require us to come to terms with the fact that we are not always easy to understand or deal with, but that we are worth the effort.
Doing justice to our own complexity also means being open to the complexities of others. We must be willing to engage with others on a deep level, to listen carefully to their stories, and to understand the diverse ways in which they see the world.
This is not always an easy task, but it is a necessary one if we are to build meaningful and lasting relationships.
Justice in Human Relationships
At its core, love is about justice. It is about treating others with the dignity and respect that they deserve, recognizing their inherent worth as human beings, and working to create a world that is just and equitable for all.
Justice in human relationships means being willing to acknowledge and confront inequalities, to challenge systems of oppression, and to work towards a more just society. It also means recognizing that love is not always easy or straightforward.
Relationships are messy, and they require effort and hard work. Honoring the complexity of human relationships means being willing to work through the challenges and difficulties that we inevitably encounter along the way.
Conclusion
Understanding love and honoring the complexity of human relationships is essential if we are to build meaningful connections with others. It requires us to strip away the illusions of self-delusion that keep us isolated, to confront our own complexity, and to be willing to engage with the complexities of others.
By doing justice to ourselves and to others, we can work towards a more just and equitable world, one meaningful relationship at a time. In conclusion, this article has highlighted the importance of realistic expectations in relationships, the significance of mindfulness in creating fulfilling partnerships, and the need for honoring the complexity of human relationships.
By understanding the myths of soul mates and mind reading, we can build strong and mutually satisfying relationships that are based on continuous reinvestment. Through mindfulness and self-care, we can cultivate a solid and differentiated self, while being open to the complexities of others.
Lastly, by doing justice to ourselves and to others, we can work towards a more just and equitable world, one meaningful relationship at a time. Let us commit to building honorable human relationships that lift us up and bring joy to our lives.
