Myths About Good Marriages
When it comes to love and marriage, we all have expectations of what a good relationship should look like. Unfortunately, many of us have been fed lies about what it takes to create a happy and successful marriage.
These myths can harm our relationships and leave us feeling disillusioned when our own experiences don’t match up. In this article, we’ll debunk some of the most common marriage myths and help you build a stronger, healthier relationship with your partner.
Lie 1: Communication is the key to a good marriage
This might sound like a no-brainer, but it’s not entirely true. While good communication is certainly important to a healthy marriage, it’s not the only factor that determines success.
According to John Gottman, a leading expert in marital research, there are actually seven keys to a good marriage: trust, commitment, friendship, intimacy, shared goals, positive perspective, and yes, good communication. Furthermore, not all communication is created equal.
In fact, bad communication can be even more damaging than no communication at all. If you find yourself constantly arguing with your partner or struggling to communicate effectively, it might be time to take a step back and re-evaluate your approach.
Lie 2: When momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy
This myth suggests that one person’s emotional reactions dictate the entire mood of the household. While it’s true that emotional outbursts can be contagious, it’s not healthy or fair to expect one member of the family to bear the burden of everyone else’s happiness.
Instead, aim for emotional balance and stability within your family. Encourage each person to express their feelings in a healthy way, without resorting to emotional manipulation or coercion.
Foster an atmosphere of respect and consideration, where everyone’s emotions are valued and validated.
Lie 3: You’ll never run out of jelly beans
This saying actually comes from a couple named Don and Amelia, who believed that as long as they kept going out on regular date nights and igniting their sexual tension, they would never run out of “jelly beans.” While it’s certainly important to prioritize intimacy and keep the spark alive in your relationship, it’s not realistic to expect that passion and excitement will never wane.
Instead, aim for a balance of excitement and comfort in your relationship. Make time for date nights and shared experiences, but also prioritize open communication, trust, and mutual respect.
It’s natural for the initial excitement of a relationship to fade over time, but that doesn’t mean the love has to disappear as well.
Lie 4: Couples must resolve their differences and agree
This myth suggests that disagreements are signs of fundamental incompatibility and that couples should strive to resolve every conflict until they arrive at a consensus.
However, this approach can actually be counterproductive and harmful to a healthy relationship. Instead, aim to find ways to accept and embrace your differences without trying to change or fix them.
Create an inside joke or an “agree to disagree” attitude toward those small nagging differences to maintain positivity in the relationship.
Lie 5: Your kids come first
While it’s certainly important to prioritize the needs of your children, it’s equally important to recognize the value of your own relationship.
A study from the Institute for Family Studies actually found that couples who prioritize their relationship tend to have happier and more self-sufficient children. Instead, aim for a healthy balance of both.
Encourage your children to be independent and self-sufficient, which will in turn free up time for you and your partner to connect and strengthen your own bond. Remember, a happy, healthy marriage can be the foundation for a stable and loving family.
Seven Keys to a Good Marriage
If those myths have been debunked, what should you be focusing on to build a healthy and happy relationship with your partner? Here are seven keys to a good marriage, according to John Gottman:
Key 1: Know your partner really well
The more familiar you are with your partner’s likes, dislikes, values, and personality quirks, the easier it will be to communicate and compromise.
Take time to get to know your partner on a deeper level, and make an effort to keep learning and growing together over time.
Key 2: Maintain fondness and admiration
One of the most important predictors of a successful marriage is a deep sense of love, respect, and appreciation for your partner.
Make a conscious effort to cultivate these feelings in your own relationship by focusing on your partner’s positive traits and expressing your gratitude and admiration regularly.
Key 3: Engage with each other regularly
Take time out of your busy schedules to connect with your partner on a regular basis.
This could mean scheduling regular date nights, taking up a shared hobby, or simply carving out time each day to catch up and talk about your day.
Key 4: Let your partner influence you
Successful marriages require compromise and collaboration.
Make an effort to listen to your partner’s opinions, be open to their feedback, and work together to find solutions that meet both of your needs.
Key 5: Solve the solvable problems
Every relationship has its challenges, but some problems are more easily solved than others.
Focus your energy on finding solutions to the problems that are within your control, rather than getting bogged down in intractable conflicts or disagreements.
Key 6: Overcome gridlock
Even the happiest couples will encounter issues that they can’t seem to resolve.
In these cases, it’s important to practice acceptance and tolerance rather than pushing for a resolution that may never come.
Key 7: Create shared meaning
Shared values, goals, and purpose can help create a sense of connection and mutual understanding in your relationship.
Work together to identify your shared vision for the future and make conscious choices to move toward that shared vision each day.
In conclusion, building a healthy and happy marriage takes effort, but it’s worth it in the end.
By avoiding common myths and focusing on the seven keys to a good marriage, you can create a relationship that stands the test of time and brings joy and fulfillment to both you and your partner. Remember, the most important ingredient in any successful relationship is love, so prioritize your relationship and nurture that love every day.
Marriage is a complex and ever-evolving institution, and there is no one-size-fits-all formula for creating a happy and successful relationship. However, by avoiding common myths and focusing on key principles such as communication, compromise, and shared values, couples can build a strong and fulfilling bond that lasts a lifetime.
Whether you’re newlyweds just starting out or a seasoned couple looking to rekindle your passion, these insights can help guide you toward a happy and healthy marriage that stands the test of time.