Fighting in a Marriage: How to Disagree without Disintegrating
When we first fall in love, we never imagine that we’ll find ourselves locked in heated arguments with the person we vowed to cherish forever. But disagreements are a normal and often healthy part of any relationship.
After all, we’re individuals with different experiences, beliefs, and needs. So, it’s only to be expected that we won’t always see eye-to-eye on everything.
The real challenge lies in how we handle those conflicts. Do we let them tear us apart or bring us closer together?
Importance of Fighting in a Marriage
Contrary to popular belief, a perfect relationship is not one free of arguments, conflicts, and make-ups. If anything, always avoiding fights can be more toxic than facing these issues head-on.
Holding on to negative emotions can lead to resentment and bitterness, which can fester and grow, eventually unraveling the once-solid love bond. In addition, fighting helps couples understand each other better.
When you disagree with your partner, you are forced to confront their views, ideologies, and opinions, which provides you with an understanding of what drives them and ultimately makes you grow as a couple. However, it’s essential to recognize that there are right and wrong ways to fight in a marriage.
Toxic Ways of Fighting in a Marriage
When we lose our tempers, our fighting can become insensitivity cloaked with callousness. This toxicity is seen through screaming matches, name-calling, and ultimatums.
Couples may fall into the traps of these unhealthy behaviors when they let their emotions take over and forget that they are arguing with their loved one, failing to keep the arguing constructive. In some cases, partners may opt to give each other the silent treatment, which is often passive-aggressive and only creates more damage.
Using unhealthy ways of arguing such as bringing up each other’s weaknesses, threatening physical abuse, or manipulating your partner is an extreme case that can lead to more significant and more complex problems.
Normalcy of Fighting in a Marriage
Studies have shown that disagreements are normal in any healthy and happy relationship. A survey of over one thousand American couples found that the happiest ones report having a disagreement once a week, showing that differing opinions are not the real problem, but how you handle them.
Common Issues Couples Fight Over
Of course, every couple has its share of arguments, but some topics seem to crop up time and time again.
- Money
- Responsibilities
- Personal remarks such as mentioning each other’s family members or using past events as ammunition
- The silent treatment
Identifying these triggers can help in gaining control and finding solutions.
Rules for Fighting in a Marriage
When it comes to fighting in a marriage, it’s important to follow ground rules that promote healthy fighting practices. These rules are in place to ensure that no one is hurt, abused, or gets stuck in the negative energies that come with arguing.
1. Breathe
If you feel anger and hurt brewing as you and your partner argue, take a deep breath to cool off. Counting slowly to three before speaking can make all the difference in how you handle that discussion.
2. Avoid Hurtful Things
Words cut deep, and once they are said, they can cause irreparable damage. Avoid saying hurtful things, especially out of anger, because they will stay with your partner forever.
It’s better to take a step back than to say something you can never take back.
3. Venting via Healthy Communication
Fighting can be a release of pent-up anger. Still, it’s essential to communicate in a healthy way that does not involve insults, screaming, blaming, or physical violence.
Healthy communication means emphasizing empathy, understanding, and working towards an amicable solution.
4. Identify Triggers
Recognizing issues that trigger volatile emotions in you or your partner can give both of you the power to control those emotions better. It helps you keep the fight focused on the problem instead of becoming a personal attack.
5. Taking Breaks
When a fight has escalated to an unhealthy level, sometimes it’s best to take a break and come back to the conversation later. A brief cooling-off period can allow you and your partner time to reflect and approach the discussion with a clearer mindset.
6. Staying Focused
When an argument begins, it’s easy to bring up past mistakes and other irrelevant issues, distracting from the initial problem and creating more divisions. When you discuss an issue, stay focused on that topic, and avoid other extraneous factors.
7. Avoid Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves shutting down and not listening to your partner. When you notice that you or your partner is starting to stonewall, it’s important to address it with active listening, understanding, and teamwork.
8. Choosing Your Words Carefully
The way we use words matters. Choose healthy statements, avoid blaming, and always acknowledge your partner’s perspective to promote constructive discussion.
9. Remain Respectful
Engaging in an argument can sometimes lead to comparison traps or other forms of disrespect. It is essential to check these impulses and try to maintain respect for your partner, celebrating their differences and points of view.
Resolving the Conflict
The end goal of any argument is to resolve the problem and maintain the integrity of the relationship. We should always strive to be calm, forgiving, and understanding, making amends where necessary, and working towards a healthier, happier relationship.
Final Thoughts
Disagreements are not predictors of a doomed relationship but opportunities for growth and understanding. We should always strive to engage in healthy fighting, focusing on the issue and promoting constructive communication to arrive at healthy resolutions.
Remember that fighting in a marriage is about learning, understanding, and growing together as a team, so don’t shy away from it. In conclusion, fighting in a marriage isn’t a death sentence, but an opportunity to grow together.
However, it’s essential to handle conflicts in constructive and healthy ways that promote growth and understanding. Unhealthy fighting can lead to resentment, bitterness, and even the end of a relationship sometimes.
By practicing healthy communication, identifying triggers, taking breaks, remaining respectful, and resolving conflicts, couples can turn disagreements into opportunities to strengthen their bond, maintain their commitment to each other, and ultimately have a happier, healthier marriage.
