Feeling Ignored by Your Husband? Here’s What You Can Do
Feeling ignored by your husband can be a very distressing experience. When you’re in a relationship, you want to feel connected and loved by your partner.
Unfortunately, sometimes, we can fall into a dynamic that is detrimental to our relationship. In most cases, this dynamic is the pursuer-distancer pattern, and it can damage even the strongest of relationships.
If you’re reading this, chances are, you’re feeling disconnected from your partner. You may have tried communicating your feelings to your husband, but you’re not getting the attention you crave.
You’re not alone. Claire, a fictional character we’ve created for this article, has been feeling the same way. She’s been feeling disconnected, and she’s not getting the attention she craves. Before we go any further, let’s talk about the pursuer-distancer pattern.
In this dynamic, one person pursues the other, seeking emotional connection and intimacy. The other person distances themselves, becoming emotionally and physically withdrawn.
When these two patterns clash, it can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration. So, when you’re feeling ignored by your husband, it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t care about you.
It could be that he’s a distancer in this dynamic, and he’s withdrawing to protect himself. Now that we’ve understood the dynamics at play, let’s look at the signs of ignoring behavior.
Signs of Ignoring Behavior
- Lack of initiative: If you’re always the one starting conversations or phone calls, it could be a sign that your partner is not interested in engaging with you or investing any effort into your relationship.
- Emotional withdrawal: If your partner is always silent or appears to be in their own world, they may be avoiding emotional intimacy with you. This could signal their reluctance to connect with you on a deeper level.
- Lack of appreciation: If your partner fails to notice or acknowledge your efforts or belittles your accomplishments, they may not be invested in the relationship. This lack of appreciation shows a lack of empathy and understanding of your needs as a partner.
- Distant behavior: If your partner shows no interest in your needs or preferences, it could be a sign that they’re not interested in investing in the relationship. Disinterest in the relationship could manifest as a lack of effort in spending quality time together, making plans or even dismissing your needs and concerns.
So, what can you do to remedy the situation?
Communication is key. You need to express your feelings to your partner. Let them know exactly how you feel and tell them that you need their attention. Here are a few things you can do to help reconnect with your partner:
- Set up regularly scheduled time together: Schedule date nights, or simply make plans during which you can spend time together. This will create a sense of anticipation and give you both something to look forward to.
- Try to understand their perspective: Try to understand your partner’s need for space and distance. Acknowledge their perspective and show that you respect their boundaries.
- Practice active listening: Listen to your partner when they talk. Don’t interrupt them or dismiss their feelings. Be present and truly listen to what they’re saying.
- Seek professional help: If you’re struggling to reconnect with your partner, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help you navigate the ups and downs of a relationship and teach you the skills you need to reconnect with your partner.
In conclusion, feeling ignored by your husband is a difficult situation to be in. But it doesn’t mean the end of your relationship. By understanding the dynamics at play, recognizing the signs of ignoring behavior and practicing healthy communication, you can overcome this challenge, reconnect with your partner and strengthen your relationship. With time and patience, you and your husband can come out stronger and happier than before.
3) Reasons for Ignoring Behavior
When you’re feeling ignored by your husband, you might be wondering why he’s acting this way. After all, you deserve to feel heard and loved. However, there could be multiple reasons for his behavior.
Distancing and Pursuing Wired into Physiology
According to psychological research, the pursuer-distancer pattern is not exclusive to humans, rather, it’s a wiring in our physiology. Our brains have developed two responses to perceived threat or stress – fight or flight.
However, there’s now a third response, fawn, which can be quite problematic in romantic relationships. The fawn response involves the person appeasing the person/factor causing the threat/stress.
In a relationship, this will be the pursuer, always seeking for the connection and intimacy that their partner is withdrawing from. Similarly, the partner who is withdrawing and avoiding emotional intimacy is the distancer.
The difference between the pursuer and the distancer is that the pursuer is wired to seek connection to others for security while the distancer is wired to withdraw to protect themselves physically and emotionally. When a pursuer is pursuing, it can be interpreted by the other person’s central nervous system (distancer) as a threat not requiring a fight or flight activity but simply a withdrawal or ignoring behavior.
This typically happens when the partner is consistently activated by pursuit and the anxiety/stress that comes with this and is unable to reciprocate positive relief for their pursuer. Therefore, when a pursuer feels ignored by their distancer partner, it’s important to remember that it’s not necessarily the distancer’s fault nor does it mean your partner doesn’t love you.
It’s just their wiring that makes intimacy and connection very challenging.
Differing Communication Filters: When Distraction and Self-Protection ‘Interfere’
Another reason why your partner may be ignoring you is due to differing communication filters. Every person has their own unique set of beliefs, expectations, biases and emotions that ‘filter’ their understanding of a situation. This means they could be processing your words differently and failing to understand your point of view.
For instance, you might be telling your partner how much you miss having a meaningful conversation with them. However, your partner could be distracted by work or something else that’s on their mind.
Because your partner is distracted, they could either miss the importance of the message or respond in a way that doesn’t fully address your needs.
Additionally, your partner could be self-protecting themselves from perceived threat.
If they feel that connecting or opening up to you could lead to vulnerability, they might be avoiding it altogether. Subconsciously, your partner might be avoiding conflict or the hurt that comes with vulnerability.
Therefore, to resolve this issue, you need to understand their communication filters, really listen to your partner, and make an effort to bridge any gaps in understanding.
4) Blaming Behavior in Relationships
When we feel ignored by our partners, it’s easy to fall into the pattern of blaming them for the situation. The vicious cycle of resentment can quickly take over and impact our relationship negatively.
This cycle starts with one partner pursuing and the other withdrawing. The pursuing partner’s frustration turns into anger, while the withdrawing partner’s anxiety turns into resentment. This cycle repeats until the couple finds a way to break it.
Kyle Benson’s View: Stimuli and Interference in Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic
One of the leading voices in relationship psychology, Kyle Benson, believes that a major reason for the blaming behavior in the pursuer-distancer dynamic is interference. Interference is when an outside force ‘interferes’ in the relationship and affects communication. For example, if you were going through a rough patch at work, the stress could affect how you communicate with your partner.
This stress would interfere with the communication between you and your partner and could lead to further misunderstandings. Therefore, it’s important to recognize the presence of interference in your relationship and address it appropriately. This could be through communicating your needs or taking a break to address personal issues that might be interfering with the relationship.
In conclusion, when you feel ignored by your partner in a relationship, it’s important to understand that there could be multiple reasons for their behavior.
It could be due to the physiology of the pursuer-distancer dynamic or due to differing communication filters. Blaming behavior could be harmful and could result in a vicious cycle of resentment.
By understanding the role of interference and communicating effectively, you can work towards healing your relationship and getting the attention and connection that you need.
5) Ways to Gain Attention
If you’re feeling ignored by your husband, it can feel like an uphill battle to get his attention. However, there are ways that you can gain his attention and reconnect with him.
Ensure Full Attention: Check-In and Avoid Distraction
One way to ensure your partner’s full attention is to check in with them before starting a conversation. This is especially important if your partner is distracted or working on something else. By asking if they have a moment to talk, you are giving them an opportunity to mentally prepare and focus on the conversation at hand.
It’s also essential to avoid distraction during the conversation. Put away your phone, turn off the TV and create a noise-free space where you can both talk to each other. Make eye contact and ensure that you are fully present. This will show your partner that you value their attention and that you’re not going to take their listening for granted.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Focus on Feelings and Stressors
When you’re trying to reconnect with your partner, it’s essential to ask open-ended questions. These questions encourage your partner to express themselves, which will help you understand how they are feeling and what their stressors may be.
For example, instead of asking “why are you ignoring me?” ask, “how are you feeling about our relationship lately?” or “what are some of the things that have been on your mind lately?” These questions show that you’re interested in listening to your partner and are willing to understand their perspective.
Stop Blaming Behavior: Shed Assumptions and Perspective
Blaming behavior is toxic in any relationship. It can lead to a push-and-pull dynamic and cause further damage to the relationship. It’s essential to let go of any assumptions or biases you may have and focus on both of your perspectives.
Instead of blaming your partner, focus on love through actions. Try to find common ground and work towards resolving the issue together. This means appreciating your partner’s perspective and adjusting your own accordingly.
This will help create a more understanding and supportive environment where you can both communicate openly and honestly.
Disengage When Flooded: Restore Composure and Be Calm
When emotions run high, it can be challenging to communicate effectively. Remember, it’s okay to disengage when flooded. Take a break to restore composure and be calm again before continuing the conversation. This could mean taking a few deep breaths, going for a walk, or even scheduling another time to talk if necessary. By disengaging when flooded, you’ll be able to calm down and approach the conversation rationally and with a clearer mind.
Schedule Stress-Reducing Conversations: Check-ins, New Experiences, and Deeper Connection
Lastly, it’s important to schedule stress-reducing conversations with your partner. Check-ins might focus on new experiences or achieve greater depth in connection with each other. Put aside some time where you can focus on your relationship and enjoy each other’s company. This could be anything from date night to taking a weekend to get away from it all.
Don’t let the stress of everyday life bring you down. Make time for each other, and you’ll find that the connection between the two of you will deepen and your relationship will grow stronger.
In conclusion, gaining your partner’s attention and reconnecting with them can be a complex process. However, it’s possible. By ensuring full attention, asking open-ended questions, stopping blaming behavior, disengaging when flooded, and scheduling stress-reducing conversations, you can develop a stronger and more resilient relationship. Remember that the key to resolving issues is effective communication and constant effort to maintain a healthy relationship.
In conclusion, feeling ignored by your husband can cause significant distress in your relationship. However, by understanding the dynamics at play, recognizing the signs of ignoring behavior, and practicing healthy communication, you can overcome this challenge and strengthen your relationship.
By ensuring full attention, asking open-ended questions, stopping blaming behavior, disengaging when flooded and scheduling stress-reducing conversations, you can develop a stronger and more resilient relationship. Remember that it takes constant effort to maintain a healthy relationship, but with patience and perseverance, you can overcome any challenges that come your way.
Building a stronger connection with your partner will benefit both of you, leading to a happier and more fulfilling relationship where both of your needs are met.
