Controlling behavior is something that affects people in all types of relationships, whether it’s with a significant other, family member, friend, or even a coworker. It can take on many forms, from manipulative mind games to emotional abuse, and can have a serious impact on the victim’s self-esteem, mental health, and overall wellbeing.
In this article, we’ll take a closer look at the signs of controlling behavior and how it can harm those who experience it.
Understanding Controlling Behavior
Toxic Relationships
Toxic relationships come in all shapes and sizes. They can be romantic, platonic, or even with a family member.
If you’re in a toxic relationship, you may feel isolated, helpless, and stuck. Here are some examples of controlling behavior you might encounter in a toxic relationship:
- Your partner constantly criticizes you and makes negative comments about your appearance or abilities.
- You’re not allowed to have friends outside of the relationship, or your partner discourages you from seeing your family.
- Your partner makes you feel guilty for spending time away from them or doing things that make you happy.
- Your partner monitors your phone or computer usage and expects you to always be available to them.
Family
Family dynamics can be complex and sometimes result in unhealthy power imbalances. Here are some examples of controlling behavior from family members:
- Your family member tries to dictate major life decisions, such as where you live or what career you pursue.
- Your family member doesn’t respect your boundaries and consistently invades your personal space or time.
- Your family member gaslights you, making you question your own version of events or experiences.
Friends
Controlling behavior can also be present in friendships, and can have just as much of an impact as in romantic or familial relationships. Here are some examples:
- Your friend expects you to always be available to them, no matter what else is going on in your life.
- Your friend makes negative comments about your interests or hobbies and tries to influence what you do with your time.
- Your friend frequently cancels plans or makes promises they don’t keep, leaving you feeling disappointed or let down.
Co-workers
Controlling behavior can also appear in the workplace. Here are some examples:
- Your boss or co-worker attempts to micromanage your work, leaving you feeling scrutinized and undervalued.
- Your boss or co-worker makes inappropriate comments or uses aggressive language towards you, creating a hostile work environment.
- Your boss or co-worker expects you to work overtime or on weekends, even when it’s not necessary or feasible for you.
Definition and Techniques of Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior can be defined as any action or behavior that seeks to exert power or control over another person. This can take many forms, but some common techniques include:
- Manipulation: Using subtle or indirect tactics to control another person’s behavior or decisions.
- Mind games: Using psychological tricks or strategies to manipulate someone’s thoughts or emotions.
- Gaslighting: Distorting a person’s perception of events, experiences, or reality in order to create confusion or doubt.
- Emotional abuse: Using verbal attacks or other forms of emotional manipulation to undermine someone’s self-esteem or confidence.
- Dependency: Creating a situation where one person relies heavily on another for emotional or financial support, leaving them feeling trapped or powerless.
Impact of Controlling Behavior on a Person’s Life
Controlling behavior can have serious negative effects on a person’s life. Here are some ways it can manifest:
- Loss of self: When someone is constantly being controlled or manipulated, they can begin to lose sight of who they really are and what they want for themselves.
- Isolation: Controlling behavior often involves limiting someone’s access to the outside world, leaving them feeling alone and cut off from sources of support or validation.
- Emotional abuse: Constant criticism, manipulation, and gaslighting can seriously undermine a person’s emotional wellbeing and create lasting trauma.
- Domestic violence: In the most extreme cases, controlling behavior can lead to physical violence, which can have severe and sometimes deadly consequences.
- Mental health: Long-term exposure to controlling behavior can lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other serious mental health conditions.
Signs of Controlling Behavior
Now that we’ve examined some examples and effects of controlling behavior, let’s dive into some specific signs to look out for:
- Need for constant information and permission: If someone is always asking where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re with, or they get upset when you don’t respond immediately, this could be a sign of controlling behavior.
- Isolation from family and friends: If someone is discouraging you from seeing your loved ones or tries to convince you that they’re not good for you, this is a major red flag.
- Neglect of self-worth and low self-esteem: If someone is constantly criticising you or making you feel inadequate, this can seriously damage your confidence and self-esteem.
- Use of guilt tripping and emotional manipulation: If someone is always making you feel guilty or playing on your emotions to get what they want, this is a form of coercion.
- Unpredictable behavior and sudden mood swings: If someone is volatile or unpredictable, this can create a sense of instability and fear.
- Constant criticism and desire for control: If someone is always telling you what to do, how to think, or how to feel, this is a sign that they’re trying to exert power over you.
- Spying and lack of trust: If someone is monitoring your every move or accusing you of things you didn’t do, this is a sign that they don’t trust you and are trying to control your behavior.
- Crossing boundaries: If someone is always pushing your limits or ignoring your boundaries, this is a sign that they don’t respect your autonomy or agency.
- Ultimatums and threats: If someone is constantly giving you ultimatums or threatening you with consequences, this is a form of manipulation and coercion.
- Physical abuse: If someone is using violence or the threat of violence to control you, this is a form of domestic abuse and should be taken very seriously.
In conclusion, controlling behavior is a serious issue that can have lasting impacts on a person’s mental and emotional wellbeing. If you or someone you know is experiencing controlling behavior, it’s important to seek help and support from trusted friends, family, or professionals.
Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and you have the right to set your own boundaries and make decisions for yourself. Controlling behavior can be caused by a variety of factors, ranging from past trauma to personality traits.
It’s important to understand these underlying causes in order to effectively deal with and overcome the behavior.
Causes of Controlling Behavior
Traumatic experiences
One potential cause of controlling behavior is past trauma or abuse. If someone has experienced abuse or trauma in the past, it can create a deep sense of fear and insecurity that leads them to try and exert control over their current situation.
They might feel like they’re always on edge, anticipating danger, and feel a need to control their surroundings to feel safe.
Trust issues
Another potential cause of controlling behavior is a lack of trust in others. If someone has been hurt before, they might struggle to trust others, particularly in intimate relationships.
This lack of trust can manifest as a desire to control the other person’s behavior, in an effort to prevent them from doing something hurtful or leaving them.
Fear of abandonment
A fear of abandonment is another potential cause of controlling behavior. If someone has experienced abandonment in the past, either through a previous relationship or through a family member leaving, they might struggle with a deep-seated fear that it will happen again.
This fear can lead them to try and control their current relationships, in an effort to avoid being abandoned again.
Need for control
Some people might have a strong need for control as a part of their personality. They might feel a strong sense of anxiety or stress when they’re not in control of a situation, and try to exert control over everything around them in order to feel safe.
This can manifest in different ways, such as micromanaging others or being overly critical.
Low self-esteem
Another potential cause of controlling behavior is low self-esteem. If someone doesn’t feel good about themselves, they might try to control others around them as a way of feeling more powerful or in control.
Alternatively, they might try to control themselves, through strict diets or exercise routines, in an effort to improve their self-esteem.
Dealing with Controlling Behavior
Reconnecting with family and friends
One way to deal with controlling behavior is to reconnect with family and friends. Building a strong support network of people who care about you can be incredibly helpful in breaking the cycle of toxic relationships.
Surrounding yourself with positivity and support can help you to feel more confident in setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.
Speaking up and setting boundaries
Effective communication is key when dealing with controlling behavior. Being assertive and setting clear boundaries can help to prevent the controlling behavior from escalating.
It’s important to be clear when explaining your needs and preferences, while also being respectful and open to feedback.
Saying no and standing up for oneself
It’s important to say no and stand up for yourself when faced with controlling behavior. This might involve saying no to requests or demands that make you feel uncomfortable, and standing firm in your decision.
It’s important to remember that saying no is an important part of setting boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being.
Prioritizing own well-being
It’s important to prioritize your own well-being when dealing with controlling behavior. This might involve taking time for self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling.
It’s also important to prioritize your mental health and seek professional help if needed.
Building self-confidence
Building self-confidence is a powerful way of overcoming controlling behavior. Focusing on your own strengths and accomplishments, and celebrating them, can help to improve self-esteem.
It’s also important to practice self-compassion, forgiving yourself for past mistakes or failures.
Recognizing self-worth
Recognizing your own self-worth is another important step in overcoming controlling behavior. Remember that you are valuable and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
It’s important to practice self-respect and self-love, and to avoid changing yourself to please others.
Avoiding changing oneself
It’s important to maintain your own sense of identity and values when dealing with controlling behavior. Avoid changing yourself to please others or fit into someone else’s expectations.
Remember that you are a valuable and unique individual, and that your thoughts and opinions matter.
Seeking professional help if necessary
If you are struggling to deal with controlling behavior, it’s important to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can help you to build coping strategies and develop healthy relationship patterns.
They can also provide support and guidance in navigating difficult situations. Remember that you don’t have to go through this alone, and that there are resources available to help you.
In conclusion, controlling behavior is a serious issue that can happen in many types of relationships and can cause significant harm to those who experience it. The signs of controlling behavior can include a need for constant information and permission, isolation from family and friends, neglect of self-worth and low self-esteem, use of guilt tripping and emotional manipulation, unpredictable behavior and sudden mood swings, constant criticism and a desire for control, spying and lack of trust, crossing boundaries, ultimatums and threats, and physical abuse.
The causes of controlling behavior range from past trauma to personality traits, and it’s important to understand these underlying factors to effectively address the behavior. By prioritizing one’s own well-being, building self-confidence, recognizing one’s self-worth, and seeking professional help if necessary, it’s possible to overcome controlling behavior and build healthy, positive relationships.
