Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Tips and Strategies for Success
It’s a tough pill to swallow when you realize that the person you once loved and had children with can be a narcissist. Co-parenting can be a challenge, but co-parenting with a narcissist can be exhausting.
If you have been dealing with a narcissist as a co-parent, or your ex-partner exhibits narcissistic tendencies, this article is for you.
Understanding a Narcissist
Narcissists are people who have an inflated sense of self-importance, an unwavering need for admiration and recognition, and a tendency to manipulate others for their own benefit. They feel entitled to special treatment and often believe they are superior to others.
Signs of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
It’s not easy to identify whether one’s ex-partner is a narcissist, but some signs may be helpful in pointing towards it. Be wary if he or she is always trying to control the time with the kids, acting like the “cool parent” to gain favor, and starting unnecessary drama or gossiping.
Additionally, you may be experiencing Jekyll and Hyde behavior in your ex-partner, as they switch back and forth between being nice and being hostile towards you. If your child’s behavior is changing due to their exposure to the narcissistic parent, that’s a red flag.
Also, narcissistic individuals believe they are always right and have no qualms about neglecting the children when it is not convenient for them. They may even exhibit conditional love, manipulation, and brainwashing of the children against you.
Tips for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
1. Being Precise
To make the communication with your narcissistic co-parent effective, be sure to set boundaries. Write them down and stick to them. It may help to have a calendar or written documentation of the agreed-upon schedules, changes in plans, or decisions.
Document everything to avoid confusion or “gaslighting” tactics.
2. Being Succinct
When communicating with the narcissistic co-parent, be brief and provide only fact-based information. Avoid providing any additional information that could lead to an argument.
You may choose to communicate through text messaging or email to keep a trail of conversations.
3. Being Calm
When communicating with the narcissistic co-parent, keep your tone neutral and your body language calm. Do not let their words or actions get to you and remember to keep your focus on the children.
Take deep breaths, and if necessary, take a timeout before replying to their messages or emails.
4. Being the Bigger Person
It’s easy to get sucked into a cycle of retaliation against the narcissistic co-parent, but avoid it at all costs. Instead, focus on the child’s needs and act accordingly.
Refrain from engaging in their manipulations or provocations if you sense they are looking to pick a fight. Remember to stay objective to understand how they are influencing the child.
5. Being Focused on You
Do not let your narcissistic co-parent’s actions consume you. Avoid checking their social media, texts, or focus on self-care activities. Instead, focus on yourself and your children’s well-being by doing the things that make you happier and more productive.
6. Parallel Parenting
In some cases, parallel parenting may be the most suitable way to handle communication with your narcissistic co-parent.
A limited contact approach may ensure there are only critical conversations and joint decisions regarding the child’s welfare. The communication may be objective and involving communicating through the child, a trusted mediator, or a communication app where anger, emotion, or manipulation are reduced.
7. Being Aware It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
Be aware that when you try to set boundaries or limit their exposure to your children, they may escalate their behaviors.
Remember to stay resilient and not falter from your agreed goals as you keep the focus on the wellbeing of your children. At times, seek assistance from counselors or professional caregivers.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be tough, but not impossible. It requires patience, emotional control, setting boundaries, and keeping a record of communications.
Ensure your focus is on your children’s wellbeing and not to engage your narcissistic co-parent in any provocations. Remember, the narcissistic parent cannot change their fundamental personality traits, but you have the power to help your children succeed.
The Impact of a Narcissistic Co-Parent on Children
Co-parenting can be challenging, but co-parenting with a narcissist can be particularly challenging for children. Narcissistic parents are individuals who have an extravagant sense of self-importance, believe they are entitled to special treatment, and often use their children as tools to satisfy their ego.
How Narcissists Treat Their Children
Narcissistic parents treat their children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals with their own perspectives and preferences. They treat their children as tools that can be used to serve their own emotional needs.
They may love their children, but it is often a conditional love, dependent on the child’s ability to satisfy their need for validation and admiration. Narcissistic parents often see their children as trophies or objects they can use to showcase their success or superiority.
They may push their children to achieve goals that reflect well on them, rather than what their children genuinely enjoy or want to do. Narcissistic parents may hold expectations that are often unrealistic, and as a result, children may feel like they are constantly let down or cannot meet their parent’s satisfaction.
Children growing up with a narcissistic parent may lose their sense of self and independence. Children may be devalued and humiliated when they do not meet their parent’s needs.
They may also be made to feel guilty for failing to meet their parent’s standards. The lack of validation or being seen as an individual can leave children feeling lost, confused, and unable to develop a sense of self-identity.
The Importance of a Stable and Competent Parent
Children need a safe and loving home that provides them with structure, consistency, and emotional stability. It’s essential to have a co-parent that provides them with the right conditions to grow and develop emotionally, while also ensuring they are safe from a narcissistic co-parent’s manipulation tactics.
A stable co-parent promotes their children’s emotional wellbeing by creating an environment where they can feel secure, valued, and heard. Such a co-parent should be thoughtful, empathetic, attentive to the child’s needs, and promote their emotional intelligence.
A stable co-parent works to create a vulnerability-safe environment where children can prosper into adulthood and establish their sense of self. A competent co-parent ensures that their child’s self-esteem and self-worth are promoted.
They help their child establish their goals and work towards them rather than imposing on them. A competent co-parent understands the importance of providing children with a healthy sense of self and motivates exploring the world outside the family, making real friends and learning, and acting independently.
A competent co-parent recognises that while they may be co-parenting with a narcissistic parent, their child’s wellbeing and emotional stability are paramount.
Children who grow up with competent co-parents are more likely to have higher self-esteem, better academic performance, better peer relationships, and be emotionally stable.
If the narcissistic co-parent is also an unstable figure in the child’s life, the competent co-parent remains a steady influence that will allow the child to balance their other parent’s erratic behavior.
Final Thoughts
Navigating co-parenting with a narcissist can be tricky, and it should not be overlooked how the parent’s extreme characteristics can affect a child’s self-worth and emotional stability. It is essential to establish whether the co-parent is a narcissist, or whether they exhibit narcissistic tendencies before planning to co-parent and its effects.
Co-parenting with a narcissist may involve navigating a lot of drama, manipulation, and control issues that can impact a child’s wellbeing. An inconsistent and emotionally unstable co-parent can render a child uncertain of themselves and their value in the world.
The role of a stable and competent co-parent is essential in mitigating the effects of a narcissistic parent in a child’s life and promoting emotional stability, self-esteem, and hope for their future. In conclusion, co-parenting with a narcissist can be challenging, and the effects on children can be long-lasting.
Understanding the signs of narcissistic behaviours in co-parenting, setting boundaries and communicating in a fact-based, neutral way is essential. It is vital to remain the steady and stable influence so the child can feel safe, valued, and heard, and continue to develop a sense of self.
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be emotionally draining, but with the right strategies, such as having a stable and competent co-parent, children can thrive. As a parent, it is essential to prioritize the wellbeing and emotional stability of the child and act accordingly to promote their healthy development.
