Settler and Reacher: The Secret to a Healthy Relationship
Love is a complex emotion that takes many forms. From romantic to platonic, everyone experiences love differently.
In Greek philosophy, love is sorted into several categories, including storge, philia, eros, and agape. But when it comes to romantic relationships, many people believe that there are only two types of lovers – Settlers and Reachers.
Understanding which category you fit into can help you better understand yourself, your partner, and create a healthier relationship. What is a Settler?
Settlers are individuals who settle for a partner they believe is beneath them. They often have lower self-esteem and don’t believe they can attain someone who meets their desired standards.
This can lead to feelings of regret, resentment, and dissatisfaction in the long term. Settlers start a relationship because they think it’s the best they can get, risking their personal happiness in the process.
What is a Reacher? Reachers are individuals who strive for a partner who they believe is out of their league.
They have high self-esteem, and they believe that they can attain someone who meets their desired standards. Reachings often struggle with feelings of insecurity and jealousy, fearing that their partner will leave them for someone who’s equal to them.
They are perceived as ‘high maintenance’ and often require constant reassurance from their partner. What Is the Ideal Relationship Dynamic?
According to the “marriage market theory” coined by economist Gary Becker, marriages work best when both partners are equally desirable or unattractive. It suggests that relationships are most successful when both parties feel like they’re getting an excellent deal and making a similar effort.
This translates into relationships in which both individuals have similar levels of confidence, mutual respect, shared values, and comparable standards of living. Relationships where one person settles and the other reaches are problematic as they can create unequal power dynamics and lead to unhealthy behaviors.
How to Ensure Your Relationship is Balanced
Achieving a balance in any relationship is crucial. If you’re looking for a healthy relationship, you’ll need to assess your strengths and weaknesses and be honest about your expectations.
Avoid the temptation to settle or reach beyond your perceived level of attractiveness. Work on building your self-esteem and clear any preconceptions of what it should look like.
Focus on developing your self-worth and creating a purposeful life. This will help you attract healthy relationships that are rooted in mutual respect, understanding, and love.
Conclusion
In sum, recognizing the differences between Settlers and Reachers is an essential step in building lasting and healthy relationships. It is essential to understand that neither of these roles is inherently better than the other and both can be detrimental to creating and maintaining healthy relationships.
To ensure that your relationship is balanced and thriving, focus on developing your self-worth and finding a partner with similar confidence and standards. Remember, relationships based on settling or reaching end up creating unequal power dynamics and lead to unhealthy behaviors.
Focus on finding a partner that brings out the best in you and enhances your life in a healthy way. 1.2) Other Types of Lovers
Beyond Settlers and Reachers, there are other types of lovers that exist in relationships.
Let’s take a closer look at some of them:
Giving Lovers – These individuals are completely invested in their partners and prioritize their partner’s needs over their own. They might display selfless behavior that is rooted in their desire to see their partners happy.
While the giving act can be commendable, it only becomes harmful when the partner exploits the giver’s behavior. Giving lovers often neglect their own well-being and can end up feeling unappreciated and burned out.
Taking Lovers – On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the taking lovers. They are the ones who prioritize their needs and interests regardless of their partners.
Their relationship dynamic is characterized by putting themselves first and not sharing control with their partner. They have entered a relationship to get their own desires fulfilled and do not care about their partner’s feelings or opinions.
Such behavior can lead to issues of domination and even abuse in the relationship. Controlling Lovers – The controlling lover is the one who wants everything to be their way.
They feel the need to dominate their partner in all aspects of life. Such relationships can be toxic and the controlling behavior can affect the relationship emotionally, socially, and physically.
Controlling behavior also has the potential to tear down the confidence of the other partner, leaving them feeling helpless and voiceless. Dependent Lovers – Dependent lovers rely entirely on their partners and have little to no sense of personal identity.
They are usually unable to pursue their interests or hobbies independently and often attach their sense of worth to their partner’s validation. Such behavior can be unhealthily possessive, and relationships with dependent lovers can quickly become codependent.
Independent Lovers – Independent lovers, on the other hand, are content with their own lives and do not feel the need to be reliant on their partners’ happiness. They have their own values, interests, and hobbies, which they prioritize alongside their relationships.
Since they have a strong sense of self-worth, they can maintain healthy boundaries and prioritize their partner without sacrificing their well-being.
2) Love and Personality Traits
While exploring the different types of lovers, it’s important to highlight the relationship between love and personality traits. Although we can’t entirely predict how individuals behave in a relationship, understanding their dominant traits can provide some insight into their actions.
Dominant Personality Traits: People who possess dominance nonverbally express their power and tend to be in control of the relationship. They’re the ones who will have difficulty acknowledging anyone’s point of view that’s different from their own.
Even when they’re wrong, they won’t admit it but rather use coercion or aggression to make their point override others. This trait can manifest in various forms-resentment, anger, or bitterness when things don’t go their way.
Shades of Other Personality Traits: Beyond the dominant trait, some other personality traits play a role in romantic relationships. For instance, an individual who is highly neurotic may struggle with the confidence to initiate or stay in a romantic relationship.
People who are highly conscientiousness typically want structured and stable relationships but run the risk of becoming overly critical or rigid. Individuals high in agreeableness may struggle with individuality and become too passive in the relationship.
Finally, people who are open to new experiences bring excitement and spontaneity to the relationship, but it may not be sustainable long-term as a partner may crave stability. Mood’s Effect on Personality: A person’s mood can play a huge role in how they respond in a relationship.
People who are anxious or stressed may find it hard to maintain healthy boundaries or even be affectionate in their relationships. On the other hand, people in a good mood tend to not only engage more, but their improvement in mood also rubs off on their partners.
Love and Interpretation: Even though two people can experience the same relationship, their experience of love is unique to their personalities. Interpretation of behavior, understanding of needs and values, as well as ways of expressing feelings, can differ vastly within a relationship.
As a result, it is essential to approach love from your perspective and continuously communicate clearly to understand each other better.
In conclusion, love is multifaceted, and each individual brings their unique characteristics into any relationship.
Understanding these traits can help individuals navigate and establish healthy boundaries within the relationship. It will also allow them to find balance through mutual understanding and genuine care for one another.
2.1) Dominant Personality Trait
Our personality is composed of a set of traits that explain our consistent patterns of behavior, thoughts, and feelings. These traits are not static and can vary in intensity across different contexts and situations.
The dominant personality trait can be defined as a persistent and pervasive pattern of thinking and behavior in response to different contexts. It shapes how we perceive the world and how we react to it.
Dominant traits can be categorized into five broad categories – agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, extraversion, and openness. These traits determine how individuals will respond to different social and environmental stimuli and how they will prioritize their goals in life.
Individuals high in extraversion tend to be outgoing, talkative, and assertive. They have a high tolerance for stimulation, which can make them comfortable in social situations.
On the other hand, those high in agreeableness are empathetic and cooperative, putting the needs of the collective above their own. Individuals high in conscientiousness are self-disciplined, organized, and goal-oriented, while those high in neuroticism are more prone to experience negative emotions such as anxiety, worry, and depression.
Finally, individuals high in openness are curious, imaginative, and creative. Understanding the dominant trait of oneself and others is essential in navigating relationships.
It can help individuals understand why their partner may respond differently in situations, allowing them to take the necessary steps to cultivate mutual understanding, respect, and communication. 2.2) Influence of Mood on Personality
Moods are short-term states of mind or emotions that are triggered by different life events.
Research has shown that moods can influence, change, or shape personality traits. For instance, when individuals are in a positive mood, they are likely to be more agreeable, extraverted, and open to experiences.
They often display optimistic behavior and express more positive emotions. In contrast, when individuals are in a negative mood, they become more introverted, disagreeable, and emotionally unstable.
They tend to express negative feelings and behaviors, such as irritability, anger, and anxiety.
Moods can lead to personality shifts that can last for different periods based on the individual’s experiences.
However, these changes are more fluid than enduring personality traits rather more reactive to different life circumstances. As such, individuals need to recognize and manage their moods since they can vary tremendously in influencing their behavior and thoughts.
Moreover, individuals, regardless of dominant traits, need to recognize moods in others. This understanding facilitates better communication, empathy, and compassion to lead to a healthier relationship.
For instance, if a partner is experiencing low mood, a high level of extraversion may adversely affect the partner since they may be perceived as insensitive and uninterested. In contrast, during high mood events, an individual with high neuroticism may need external validation from their partner to maintain their confidence.
Through this understanding, individuals can then provide the kind of support that is required and lead to better communication and healthy relationships. In conclusion, the personality trait is inherent, unique, and determines how individuals respond in different circumstances.
Knowing the dominant trait can help in better communication and understanding within a relationship. Additionally, moods can influence or cause short-term personality shifts that can be regrettable or advantageous based on context.
Hence, it is vital to recognize, monitor, and manage moods through healthier coping mechanisms that enhance relationships and provide better chances of stabilizing positive personality traits.
3) 18 Types of Lovers
When it comes to romantic relationships, there is a broad spectrum of personalities and love styles. Here are eighteen of the most common types of lovers:
1.
Givers – These are the ones who prioritize their partner’s needs over their own. 2.
Takers – These individuals prioritize their own needs and interests over their partners. 3.
Controllers – The controlling lover wants to dominate the relationship and have everything their way. 4.
Pleasers – These individuals are overly concerned with keeping their partner happy and will do almost anything to appease them. 5.
Selfish Lovers – The selfish lover wants everything to go their way and doesn’t care about their partner’s feelings or opinions. 6.
Doubters – Doubting lovers question their partner’s actions and intentions and tend to be suspicious of their partner’s motives. 7.
Actors – These lovers are preoccupied with keeping up appearances in their relationship and are more concerned with other people’s perceptions of their relationship than the actual relationship itself. 8.
Adventure Seekers – These lovers love the thrill of the unknown and are always looking for new experiences and challenges. 9.
Brooding Lovers – These lovers tend to overthink and ruminate, often dwelling on negative emotions and experiences. 10.
Materialist Lovers – Materialistic lovers are more concerned with the material possessions they can acquire from their relationship, rather than the emotional connection. 11.
Straying Lovers – These individuals are prone to cheating or infidelity, often seeking temporary attention and validation from others. 12.
Helpers – These lovers tend to put the needs of their partner before their own continually providing support to their partners. 13.
Possessive Lovers- Possessive lovers can tend to be too clingy or controlling towards their partner with the need to control every aspect of their partner’s life. 14.
Loyal Lovers- Loyal lovers value commitment and fidelity in their relationship. 15.
Passionate Lovers – These lovers are intensely involved in their relationship, expressing their emotions and feelings freely. 16.
Romantics – These lovers cherish classic romantic gestures and display their love through grand romantic gestures like poetry and flowers. 17.
Compromisers – Compromisers are willing to meet their partner halfway and find middle ground in their relationships’ decision-making process. 18.
Enthusiasts- These lovers are optimistic and enthusiastic about their partner, the relationship and usually show a lot of interest, excitement, and willingness to participate in anything related to their partner. While not an exhaustive list, these love styles give a clear picture of how different personalities and behavior patterns can shape relationships.
3.1) Characteristics of Each Type
Givers are selfless, self-sacrificing, caring, and empathetic. Takers, on the other hand, are more self-oriented, have high control needs, and often struggle with empathy.
Controllers have the tendency to dominate their partners and prioritize their own desires in the relationship. They can be controlling and push their partners into situations they are uncomfortable with.
Pleasers’ characteristics tend to be overly accommodating, leading to high levels of stress and burnout. Selfish lovers seek their interests above their partners and are unwilling to share power or decision-making.
Doubting lovers are suspicious of their partner and may become clingy, demanding reassurance to a fault, leading to relationship issues. Actors prioritize their relationship image over the actual relationship, leading to superficial or unstable relationships, while Adventure Seekers place emphasis on experiencing new situations.
Brooding lovers are deep thinkers and tend to ruminate on negative emotions that might be detrimental to the relationship. Materialist lovers attach material possessions to their sense of self-worth and success.
They often valuate their partner by their financial status or how wealthy they are. Straying lovers are prone to cheat when experiencing problems in the relationship or crave the feeling of being wanted and needed by others.
Helpers, usually very nurturing kind and attentive to their partner’s emotional and physical needs. Possessive lovers are emotionally clingy and may use control and jealousy to keep their partner close.
Loyal lovers value honesty, commitment, and fidelity in relationships. Passionate lovers are highly expressive, and their love is intense, often involving strong emotional energy, physical attraction, and fiery affection.
Romantics believe that love should have grand gestures rooted in romanticism. Compromisers negotiate by meeting halfway in disagreements, valuing harmony over a personal win or loss.
Enthusiasts value excitement and adventure, and optimism. They are always committed to their partners with a tremendous amount of energy and enthusiasm.
In conclusion, there are a range of personality types when it comes to love, each with its own primary motivation, values, and behaviors. Understanding these personality types can assist individuals to better assess their needs and preferences in their romantic relationships.
It is important to remember that no personality type is better or worse than the other and what is important in a relationship is connection, respect, and mutual understanding. In conclusion, understanding the different types of lovers, the dominant personality traits, the influence of moods on personality, and the characteristics of each type is crucial in creating and maintaining healthy relationships.
As we have seen, every individual is unique, and their behavior in a relationship is shaped by various factors such as personality traits, circumstances, and moods. Recognizing these factors and working to communicate effectively and compromise ensures establishing healthy boundaries, respects, and harmony within the relationship.
Ultimately, cultivating healthy relationships that nourish individual growth and fulfillment require effort, patience, and mutual understanding.