As human beings, we are wired to crave connection and intimacy. Whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial, we all yearn for meaningful relationships with those around us.
But how do we deepen those relationships and create intimacy? Arthur Aron, a psychologist, has a simple solution: ask personal questions.
Aron conducted an experiment in which he paired strangers and had them ask each other increasingly personal questions. By the end of the experiment, these strangers reported feeling a strong connection with each other.
Asking personal questions can help us create intimacy because it fosters a sense of vulnerability and openness. So, what kind of personal questions should you ask?
It’s important to avoid inappropriate questions, especially on a first date. Avoid asking about sexual experiences, mental health, religion, past traumas, and salaries.
These subjects can be sensitive and may be too personal to discuss with someone you’re just getting to know. Instead, focus on questions that show interest and allow the other person to share more about themselves.
Some examples include:
- What inspired you to pursue your career?
- Do you have any hobbies or passions?
- What books or movies have had a significant impact on you?
- Where is your favorite place to travel?
- What do you like to do for fun?
Asking intelligent and informed questions can also make you more likeable.
It shows that you are genuinely interested in the other person and are willing to listen to what they have to say. Flattery can also be effective in asking personal questions.
For example, “I’m really impressed by your dedication to your job. What motivates you to work so hard?” By expressing admiration for someone, you are inviting them to share more about themselves.
It’s important to be mindful of how you ask personal questions. Tactlessness can be off-putting, especially when it comes to asking about salaries.
If you ask someone how much money they make, it can come across as insensitive and may make them feel uncomfortable. It’s best to avoid asking about salaries altogether, unless the other person brings it up first.
Asking personal questions can be a great way to deepen relationships and create intimacy. By avoiding inappropriate questions, focusing on intelligent and informed questions, and using flattery tactfully, we can build connections with those around us.
So go ahead and ask that personal question- who knows where it might lead? Have you ever been on a first date and struggled to come up with topics of conversation?
Maybe you found yourself resorting to small talk about the weather or the latest celebrity gossip. If you want to deepen your connection with someone, consider asking personal questions.
As we mentioned earlier, asking about sensitive or inappropriate topics is a no-go. However, there are plenty of personal questions that can help you learn about a person’s values, history, likes and dislikes, and personal preferences.
Here are some examples of personal questions to ask on a first date:
Childhood-related questions
- What is your favorite childhood memory?
- Were you a mischievous child or well-behaved?
- How would you describe your relationship with your parents growing up?
- Did you have any nicknames as a child?
Admiration-related questions
- Who do you admire most?
- What did you want to be when you grew up?
- Do you have a role model, and why do you look up to them?
- What is something that inspires you?
Routine-related questions
- What does your typical day look like?
- Do you have any morning rituals or routines?
- How do you unwind after a long day?
- What is your favorite way to spend a weekend?
Memory-related questions
- What is your most cherished memory?
- Do you have any embarrassing moments that you can look back and laugh at now?
- What is an achievement that you’re particularly proud of?
Favorites-related questions
- What is your favorite city and why?
- Do you have a favorite movie? What is it?
- What song always puts you in a good mood?
- What is your favorite book?
- What is your go-to comfort food?
Problem-solving-related questions
- If you could solve one problem in the world, what would it be?
- If you had a blank check, what issues would you use it to support?
- How do you like to solve problems – do you prefer working alone or in a team?
Personal preferences-related questions
- What kind of living space feels most like home to you?
- Is there a particular type of weather you find most comfortable?
While asking personal questions can help to create intimacy, it’s important to do so in a way that feels natural and respectful. Remember that you’re getting to know the other person, and it’s not an interrogation.
Be prepared to answer these questions yourself, and create a back-and-forth conversation that allows both of you to express yourselves. Actively listen to the other person’s answers, and be mindful of any red flags that may come up.
Here are some indications of less-than-honest behavior:
- Closed-off body language: if the other person crosses their arms, avoids eye contact, or seems uncomfortable in response to a question, it could be a sign that they’re not being truthful.
- Subject-changing: If the other person frequently changes the subject or avoids answering a question, it may be a sign that they’re hiding something.
- “I don’t know”: While it’s possible that the other person may not know the answer to a question, if they use this answer frequently or in response to several questions, it may be a sign that they’re being less-than-honest.
- Lies: If you catch the other person in a lie or they give conflicting answers to questions, it’s likely they are not being truthful.
In conclusion, asking personal questions can be an effective way to create intimacy on a first date. Guided by this list of examples of personal questions, remember to create a back-and-forth conversation, listen actively, and watch out for any red flags.
By doing so, you may find yourself building deeper relationships with those around you. Asking personal questions may feel intimidating at first, but it is an effective method to foster connection and intimacy in our relationships.
By using the right questions, expressing admiration, and avoiding inappropriate or sensitive topics, we can create a deeper understanding of those around us. Active listening during these conversations is key in creating a comfortable setting that encourages back-and-forth communication.
These personal questions encourage a more meaningful interaction that enables easy bonding. With these personal questions, we can bridge the gap between strangers and develop a deeper connection that brings more joy, comfort, and satisfaction to our relationships.
