Understanding and Dealing with Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships
If you have ever found yourself feeling like you want to be close to someone, but as soon as they start getting too close, you push them away, then you may have a fearful avoidant attachment style. Attachment styles are formed early on in life, based on our relationships with our caregivers, and they can have a lasting impact on our relationships throughout our lives.
In this article, we will explore what fearful avoidant attachment style is, how it can affect your relationships, and what you can do if you or your partner has this attachment style.
Attachment Theory and Its Predictions for Lifelong Relationship Style
Attachment theory refers to the idea that our earliest relationships with our primary caregivers shape our expectations and attitudes towards relationships throughout our lives. Your attachment style can be shaped by your caregiver’s ability to be sensitive and responsive to your needs.
If your caregiver was inconsistent or neglectful, you may develop an attachment style that makes it hard for you to trust others and depend on them. The most common attachment styles are:
- Secure attachment
- Avoidant attachment
- Anxious attachment
- Fearful avoidant attachment
Secure attachment style is characterized by a positive view of oneself and others, and a belief that close relationships are safe and fulfilling. Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a discomfort with closeness and a belief that others are not trustworthy or reliable.
Anxious attachment style is characterized by a fear of abandonment, and a constant need for reassurance and attention. Fearful avoidant attachment style is a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment style.
People with this attachment style have both a fear of intimacy and a desire for it. They may struggle with intense internal conflicts when it comes to relationships.
Development of Attachment Style Based on Early Caregiver Relationships
Infants rely on their caregivers for survival, so they learn to trust and depend on their caregivers early on in life. If their caregivers are consistently responsive and meet their needs, infants will learn to trust others and feel secure in their relationships throughout life.
If their caregivers are inconsistent or neglectful, infants may develop attachment difficulties that can follow them into adulthood. These early experiences shape the way they view themselves, others, and the world around them.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style and Its Characteristics
People with fearful avoidant attachment style may feel unworthy of love and may struggle with a fear of abandonment. They often have trouble regulating their emotions and may be prone to depression and anxiety.
They may fear closeness and intimacy, but also feel the need for them, which can lead to mixed signals and unpredictability. Their behavior may be confusing, because they may hot and cold, pushing people away and then pulling them close.
They may also engage in pro-situationships, rather than fully committing to a relationship.
Signs of Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
If you or your partner has a fearful avoidant attachment style, you may notice some of the following signs:
- Fear of intimacy: They may avoid emotional closeness or physical touch.
- Lack of self-worth: They may feel unworthy of love and attention.
- Difficulty regulating emotions: They may be prone to depression and anxiety, and have trouble managing their emotions.
- Negative perception: They may see the world in a negative light and have a pessimistic outlook on life.
- Unpredictability: They may be hot and cold, pushing people away and then pulling them close.
- Mixed signals: They may give mixed signals that make it hard to know what they want.
- Pro-situationship: They may engage in pro-situationships, rather than fully committing to a relationship.
- Shut down: They may shut down emotionally, and avoid conflict or difficult conversations.
How to Deal with a Fearful-Avoidant Partner
If you are in a relationship with a partner who has a fearful avoidant attachment style, it can be challenging, but it is not hopeless. With patience, compassion, and effort from both partners, it is possible to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Compassion and Reassurance
People with fearful avoidant attachment style may struggle with feelings of unworthiness and a fear of abandonment. These feelings can be intense and overwhelming, and it can be difficult for them to express them to others.
As their partner, it is important to show them compassion and reassure them that they are loved and valued.
Appreciation and Validation
People with fearful avoidant attachment style may struggle with a negative self-image, and may not feel appreciated or valued. As their partner, it is important to be supportive and validate their feelings.
Let them know that their thoughts and feelings are valid, and show appreciation for the things they do for you.
Being a Safe Space and Communicating Respectfully
Creating a safe space for your partner is critical if you want to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Be respectful when communicating, and be mindful of their emotional needs.
Give them space when they need it, but also be there for them when they need your support.
Patience and Effort from Both Partners
Building a healthy and fulfilling relationship takes time and effort. Patience is essential, as your partner may have difficulty opening up and expressing their feelings.
Be patient and understanding, and give them time and space to work through their emotions. Focus on building trust and creating a safe space for them to be vulnerable.
Open Communication about Needs and Expectations
Open communication is critical in any relationship, but especially when dealing with a partner who has a fearful avoidant attachment style. Talk openly and honestly about your needs and expectations, and be willing to listen to your partner’s needs as well.
This will help build trust and create a deeper level of intimacy in your relationship.
Being Open to Learning and Exploring Attachment Issues
Finally, be open to learning and exploring attachment issues together. Consider couples counseling or therapy to gain a deeper understanding of your attachment styles and how they may be impacting your relationship.
By working together and being open to learning and exploring, you can build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, despite the challenges of fearful avoidant attachment style.
How to Deal with Fearful-Avoidant Tendencies in Ourselves
Fearful-avoidant attachment style can be challenging to deal with, as it can impact all areas of life, including romantic relationships, friendships, and work relationships. If you have identified that you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, here’s what you can do to manage it.
Building Self-Worth and Self-Esteem
One of the most important things to do in managing fearful-avoidant attachment style is to focus on building your self-worth and self-esteem. This can be done through positive affirmations, reframing negative thoughts, and practicing self-care.
When you have a strong sense of self-worth, you are better equipped to engage in healthy relationships and manage your emotions in a healthier way.
Trauma Therapy to Address Underlying Attachment Style
Fearful-avoidant attachment style can sometimes stem from childhood trauma or trauma in adulthood. If you are struggling to manage fearful-avoidant attachment style on your own, it is important to consider seeking help from a mental health professional.
Trauma therapy can help you to address the underlying issues that may be contributing to the attachment style, such as childhood trauma, PTSD, anxiety, and depression.
Communicating Boundaries in Relationships
Communicating boundaries is critical in managing fearful-avoidant attachment style. Be open and honest with your partner about your needs, desires, and expectations.
This will help to create a safe space in the relationship and build trust. When communicating boundaries, make sure to be clear and concise.
This can prevent misunderstandings and conflict in the future. Listen to the boundaries your partner communicates to you as well, to create mutual respect and understanding.
Recognizing and Addressing Common Triggers
Everyone has triggers that can bring up past trauma or negative emotions. For individuals with fearful-avoidant attachment style, common triggers are often related to rejection, abandonment, and intimacy.
When you identify your triggers, you can learn to recognize them and address them in a healthy way. This can include taking a step back from a situation, practicing grounding techniques, or seeking support from friends or a therapist.
Practicing Secure Attachment Style with Safe People
It can be challenging to practice secure attachment style when you have fearful-avoidant attachment tendencies. To make it easier to practice, seek out safe people who you can practice with.
These individuals can be friends, family, or a therapist. Practice healthy communication, and focus on building trust and intimacy.
Allowing Room for Imperfection and Practicing Compassion
It is important to allow room for imperfection when managing fearful-avoidant attachment style, as it is a learned behavior that may not be quickly or easily changed. Practicing self-compassion is essential, as you learn to accept yourself, flaws and all.
Allow yourself to make mistakes, grow, and learn. By doing so, you can create a more accepting mindset towards yourself and others.
Believing in Self-Worth and Deserving of Love
One of the most difficult parts of managing fearful-avoidant attachment style can be believing in yourself and your worth. Remember that you are worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging.
This requires a shift in mindset, rather than a behavior modification, to focus on your value as an individual, and that you deserve healthy, supportive relationships. Conclusively, managing fearful-avoidant attachment style requires self-awareness, building self-worth, seeking therapy, creating healthy boundaries, practicing secure attachment styles with safe people, recognizing and addressing triggers, practicing self-compassion, and believing in self-worth.
With effort and commitment towards these, it is possible to overcome and manage your fearful-avoidant attachment tendencies. In conclusion, whether you are dealing with a fearful-avoidant attachment style in yourself or your partner, it is necessary to focus on self-awareness, effective communication, building trust, and developing self-worth.
Managing fearful-avoidant attachment tendencies requires effort, and in many cases, support from loved ones or mental health professionals. By doing so, better relationships can be built, and past trauma can be overcome.
Remember that while it can be a challenging journey, it is one that is worth taking for yourself, your relationships, and your overall well-being. By prioritizing these practices, individuals are able to create healthy and fulfilling relationships that will ultimately improve their quality in life.
